164. Marine biologists estimate a blue whale's tongue to be the size of an elephant. We don't know for sure though, because the only way to find out is to get swallowed by the whale, measure it, and then live in its stomach feeding on half-digested krill until the whale passes you through its anus. The few scientists who are retrieved alive after such an ordeal tend to quit science shortly thereafter.
163. A good landscape painting should have the silhouette of a wolf, a wild stallion, an Indian, or an eagle somewhere in the frame. It should be set in the Rocky Mountains or in the Southwest. If it's a night painting, the sky should be purple. Anything else is not real art.
162. Pandas eat enough bamboo every day to keep bamboo scared shitless.
161. Two-thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean is actually called a mass underwater grave and a tragedy in the legal community. And if you consider it a good start, then you're just a genocidal maniac and I hate you.
160. The sun is at least 30 miles from Earth.
159. Hair follicles are like little hair-volcanoes, except the lava is hair.
158. McDonald's Happy Meals are actually an overwhelming 85% crippling sadness, 9% guilt, and 4% paralyzing terror. The remaining 2% is happiness, but after 20 minutes it turns into diarrhea.
157. In a recent poll asking vigilantes their priorities, the heavily favored "justice" lost out in an emotional last-minute surge from unexpected winner, "saving the girl."
156. A saw blade taped to a hammer is the most intimidating of all ineffective weaponry.
155. A photo of a baby squirrel riding on a duck's back in the middle of a war zone would win every photo-journalism award ever.
154. Studies indicate ring-tailed lemurs are the silliest lemurs of them all.
153. Sleeping remains the most effective way of avoiding employment.
152. "Check yourself before you wreck yourself" is the phrase most frequently used by judges in federal court cases.
151. In ancient cultures, meeting a faun in the forest was a sign of good luck. Today, it just means that goat-people are afoot and you should stay sharp.
150. Your eyes not working is the #1 cause of blindness, followed closely by having no eyes.
149. Without photos of baby animals in baskets, 78% of women would not know what month it is.
148. We are currently just one bad idea away from having shotguns with milk-chocolate muzzles. Yumdead!
147. Madagascar is the only fully animated island in the world.
146. The minimum wage is determined by a complex formula weighting white guilt against corporate-crusted Scroogery.
145. Bushes are trees without legs.
144. The Storogamasaur (or "caledonticus lexophacus") was a hypsodontal woolly biped (not unlike the False-Crested Thrushbeast of Asia Minor), who lived between the late Mesozoic and the mid-Cenozoic eras, carving out a vital niche in the ever-changing ecosystems of Earth's proto-forests, as it was able to defend most territorially its boughs of upperstory habitat and ultimately nurse its fragile bloodline across the millennia. It also ate its own shit.
143. One day, they will make a single-A battery for the home consumer. And a B-battery for all my bitches.
142. The most important skill one can acquire before engaging in espionage is: sexy smoking.
141. The first rule of being a prostitute is: don't fall in love on the job!
140. The only thing scarier than a lion duct-taped to a shark's back is a lion masking-taped to a shark's back. Because when that masking tape breaks, my friend, you'll be neck-deep in a pool of Double Doom!
139. The number one cause of automobile traffic is an overturned, flaming tractor trailer sliding down the wrong side of the highway, ridden by giant, shrieking, acid-vomiting prehistoric bears with prosthetic robot arms and the sharpened femur bones of spider monkeys fitted on them as claws.
138. A pound of nails actually does weigh more than a pound of feathers, because when you carry it, the nails poke you and your brain confuses the pokiness for heaviness.
137. It takes more muscles to pretend like you did something than to actually do it.
136. In math class, I always liked to imagine riding in a little cart down the sine wave. It was really fun in my imagination.
135. A shop class at a local community college would be an ideal place to meet other gay mechanics.
134. If you ever look over and see celery walking around your house, do not freak out. You are now a crazy person and will bring a lot of laughs to a lot of people at bus stops.
133. I can't be sure, but I'm pretty certain that after your poop goes through the sewers, it arrives at a water treatment plant where a guy chucks it in the trash.
132. There's no "b" in "justice."
131. Some nations play like they don't want to get invaded or colonized or whatever, but one look at their natural resources and arable land, and it's clear: they want it bad.
130. You cannot sue lightning in a court of law.
129. Some people say that flight is made possible by Bernoulli's Principle, but I know the truth. It's that grandfatherly wisdom in the pilot's eyes, the magic in his silver mustache, that with a smile and a wink, lets us soar with the eagles.
128. If a salsa does not feature a man with a sombrero taking a siesta in either its advertising, labeling, or executive staff, then it is not a top salsa. And it never will be.
127. When I was a kid, I thought Baskin-Robbins was called Basket Robins. I could not have been wronger.
126. Having avian flu is for the birds! Ha ha ha ha!
125. FOX News has really changed the way people avoid information.
124. Fran Drescher has really changed the way people go about hating television.
123. Sock hops have waned in popularity in recent years.
122. Daylight Savings is when time stops and you run around changing clocks for an hour. I'd rather just keep time going and let clocks fend for themselves.
121. Seventy-five percent of the surface area of myspace.com profile pages is personality quiz results. The other 25% is pictures of people in their bathrooms. I wish people would just write, "I'm vain and I hang out in my bathroom all the time." It would save a lot of bandwidth.
120. In the Old West, outlaws only followed one rule: kill or be killed. But horses followed a different rule: carrots are for me. Carrots were completely without rules.
119. Decomposing has proven to be the most effective means of weight loss. That, and amputation. Screw dieting - grab a saw and a bag of maggots.
118. The Rolling Stone always get what they want.

117. If you're in prison, just pretend you're at a lock-in. That way, you'll be really excited when it goes on for years.
116. If you're outside and your genitals are showing, you are most likely going to jail.
115.In In hindsight, it was probably a good thing that Mary and Joseph couldn't find a room at the inn. Considering how disgusting and germ-ridden today's motel rooms are, it's easy to imagine that a public sleeping surface in the ancient Middle East was even more craptastic than the manger where they ended up. Anyway, if they were so gung ho about this room-at-the-inn thing, Joe should've called ahead. I mean, when you're booked, you're booked. You can't "mother-of-God" you're way around "booked."
114.In "The Fugitive," Harrison Ford's character had it rough for sure, but he should just be glad that it was a one-armed man that did it, instead of a three-armed man. The jury would totally call bullshit on that one.
113.A plane is determined by three non-colinear points. A pilot is determined to get to Burbank, so he can drink Bloody Marys in the hotel lobby all weekend and have sex with a legal assistant he met last year at T.G.I. Friday's. And THAT is why they don't talk about pilots in math class.
112.The incidence of trauma-induced amnesia in soap opera scripts is roughly 17 times the incidence of all mental disorders combined in reality.
111.The movie "Underworld" really cleared up a lot of the confusion I had regarding the ancient feud between vampires and werewolves.
110.Harrison Ford has an earring. Wha?
109.Sometime, Hollywood should try a making a comedy that puts an unlikely pair together, like say a white guy and a black guy, or a jaded bachelor and an endearing rascal of a kid. Then put them in some sort of high-pressure situation not of their own making (like say getting caught up in a jewel-heist), where they have to work together despite their differences, ultimately learning that people are people and we can all bring out the best in each other. I think there could be some really funny moments in there. Not to mention some tender ones. I'm gonna call Hollywood right now with my idea. Or better yet, I know where I can find a camera and two different-looking people! Summer Box Office, here I come!
108.Contrary to contemporary mythology, the sound we perceive as thunder is actually a shockwave caused by the rapid heating and cooling of the air immediately surrounding a channel of lightning that strikes as a result of accumulated friction between the carpet in Heaven and God moving His furniture. Duh.
107.In the popular children's books, the housekeeper-character Amelia Bedelia always ruined everything, but then never got fired, because at the end of the story she would bake a lemon meringue pie. Not in my house. Can't follow simple instructions? Everything's a goddamn pun with you? My drapes are ruined? Pack your shit and get out. Peace. Don't forget your pie.
106.The easiest way to time-travel is to go into a coma.
105.At the first Thanksgiving, the Native Americans gave the pilgrims pumpkins, corn, squash, turkeys, maize, and a cornucopia of fruits. They also taught them how to plant crops in the arable land and stay warm in the cold months. "'Thanks' for 'giving' us all this cool crap," said a man with buckles on his shoes, as he breathed smallpox in their faces. And that's why today, "Thanksgiving" is synonymous with "sweet deal."
104.Halloween was originally a Pagan holiday. And this year it's on a Sunday. So enjoy dressing up, America! Just remember that God will be watching you. Good luck not burning in hell! Trick-or-Treat!
103.Zoos are like prison for animals. Except they all have life-sentences and they didn't do anything wrong. I love the zoo!
102.Recent studies reveal that crotch-rubbing is a powerful aphrodisiac.
101.Every snowflake is different. That crap wouldn't fly in the private sector. It's called quality control.
100. Neptune is the most boring planet out there. Pluto's a close second. Two planets. Out there in deep space. All frozen and dark. Boring the shit out of everybody.
99. Extensive studies have shown that you need to recognize.
98. Britney Spears is unaware of the letter "Q."
97. Paris Hilton goes "number two" just like the rest of us. It's just that daisies, brand-new 100-dollar bills, and really upbeat fortune-cookie fortunes come out.
96. Fifteen percent of the world's population has a greater number of eyes than teeth. Yikes! I hope it's because they lost teeth, and didn't gain any eyes!
95. Gymnasts should not be allowed to vote. Or think. Only practice. Same goes for ballerinas and violinists. Now get to it! One, two, three, four!
94. In 2004, Yo-Yo Ma was awarded the highest honor available to a living musician. At an international tribunal in Munich, the cello (his hallmark instrument) was officially renamed "Yo-Yo's Bitch." Accordingly, cellists are now referred to as "bitchists." Please change your dictionary.
93. Outback Steakhouse should hire aborigines, kangaroos, and crocodile wranglers - not local college students, out-of-work actors, and other people with frosted tips.
92. Manhunts work on women too. It's like the same equipment and basic principles. They just say "find HER."
91. Cotton candy was invented to get kids to do stuff.
90. Cops and robbers are natural enemies.
89. Ronald McDonald needs to back off.
88. If Jared Fogle gains that weight back, Subway will assassinate him.
87. Oddly enough, tuna-fish aren't strongly in favor of "dolphin-safe" legislation.
86. When you send a child to their room to think about what they've done, all they do is go to their room and think about how much you suck.
85. Contrary to what the medical community would have you believe, Vitamins F-Z do exist in secret laboratories. They are just too powerfully nutritional for public consumption. We're not ready. At least not yet.
84. Most bears hibernate because they're depressed at how much weight they gained in the fall.
83. Dust storms may exist.
82. Angela Lansbury had to lose 125 pounds for her role as Mrs. Potts in the Disney classic, Beauty and the Beast.
81. The average lifespan for a puppy is 8 months. Then it turns into a dog.
80. Neptune is the most presumptuous planet in the Solar System.
79. A popular T-shirt for astronauts who get drunk and hook up with each other on missions is: "What Happens In Outer Space, Stays In Outer Space!"
78. Choosy moms choose their eldest.
77. Sometimes out in rural areas, you can see millions of stars in the sky. Other times, all you can see is one huge star that's really hot and bright. That star is called The Big Light.
76. Not only does the Sun revolve around the Earth, but apparently the night's activities revolve around you.
75. There are the same number of giant squids in South Dakota as there are rabbits on the Moon.
74. Octopi are notorious for hugging other sea creatures.
73. Wilford Brimley neither has diabetes, nor does he enjoy Quaker Oatmeal. He's a damn dirty liar.
72. Much to the disappointment of legend seekers, after exhaustive study, footage of the "Loch Ness Monster" has been proven to be no more than embellished footage of large pieces of driftwood. The driftwood can talk and swim though, And it works for Nessie. And it spies on fishermen and reports back to the dinosaur's secret underwater cave. And then Nessie laughs and laughs and pats the driftwood on the head. And maybe she feeds it. Like mud or something. Christ, I don't know what animate driftwood eats - get off my back.
71. Four out of five muggers agree: give me your wallet.
70. If you filled the Grand Canyon with fish, half the world's dolphins would move to Arizona.
69. If you eat pop rocks and then drink soda, you are probably 8 years old and spoiled.
68. You can find more cells in a newborn baby's pinkie finger than copies of the U.S. Constitution in the entire adult human body. 71. Electricity doesn't care who you are - it will shock the crap out of you.
67. The first Disney cartoon, Steamboat Willie, was a cartoon about a mouse who steered a steamboat down a river. This is an excellent primary source to support my theory that if given the chance, mice can drive and hold jobs.
66. There is an obvious evolutionary advantage to the dorsal fin: it gives shark actors the "suspense" edge over human actors when auditioning for villain parts. And those are the roles that translate to bank, people.
65. Canada boasts the largest settlement of Canadian people in the world.
64. According to Consumer Reports, the Moon is not a good place to raise a family. Or breathe.
63. Evolution is a farce. It was entirely made up by classic hoaxster, Charles Darwin, as a means of "getting back" at the insurmountable preponderance of data that supported his claim. Good one, Chuck!
62. In 1946, the U.S. government commissioned the building of a nationwide interstate highway system where commercial and private vehicles could legally travel speeds in excess of 60 mph. Much to everyone's relief, this quickly resolved the nation's "shortage-of-exploded-mammal-corpses-in-public" crisis.
61. Rhode Island is so much bigger than it looks on a map.
60. The Gateway Arch in St. Louis was built by Native Americans to welcome the pioneers. The pioneers were totally freaked out.
59. Twenty-seven percent of Oklahomans live in caves. The other 73% live in the woods. By Oklahomans, I mean bears.
58. If Nelly were at a party on the surface of the sun, he wouldn't have to tell people to take off all their clothes, because their clothes would just burn right off. Actually, they would all die and turn into gases on the way to the party. Okay, the more that I think about it, while at first, attending a "Hot in Hurr" party at the "Hottest Spot in the Solar System" seemed like a really awesome idea, I think I'm going to have to RSVP in the negative. I mean, Christ.
57. The talking apple trees in "The Wizard of Oz" were actually played by oak trees who incidentally spoke very little off the movie set. They like glued the apples on, I think.
56. Homosexuality is so gay.
55. Contrary to popular delusion, living in the fiefdoms of marshmallow cereals is not all it's cracked up to be. Subjects immerse themselves in the whiskey-soaked world of Irish folklore, chasing rainbows and leprechauns, hunting for jewels instead of jobs. But what are they running from? Perhaps it's the very real prospect of being nocturnally molested by the power-lusting tyrant Count Chocula, of being mounted in their sleep and having chocolate sucked from their necks. Or perhaps it's the guilt that gnaws at their hypocritical guts as they preach abstinence to that poor silly rabbit-bastard, denying him his "Trix," all the while promiscuously gorging themselves on melty marshmallows.
54. Unbeknownst to his wife of fifty-seven years and childhood sweetheart, Donna Firth, Ansel Adams had a brief 1934 lust session with a dominant, impressive, 380-foot sequoia in the misty woods of Northern California.
53. North Korea’s government-sponsored space program has plans to launch a probe in late 2005, and a manned craft by 2010, to explore their final frontier: All the Shit Outside of Their Country.
52. The most common answer provided to questions in the short-answer section of Chiropractic School finals is: “Grab onto the head, bend it hard and crazy, and hope for the best.”
51. All the songs in the Dirty Dancing soundtrack were performed by Patrick Swayze – especially the ones performed by women.
50. The number one issue for American voters this election year is “whether or not terminators from the future are going to stab us in the guts with their polymorphic liquid metal stabby hands.” No wait. That’s the number one issue faced by Edward Furlong and Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2: Judgement Day.
49. Abraham Lincoln totally should have done a sweet-ass move on John Wilkes Booth and like shot him instead.
48. Alexander Hamilton started the National Bank (thus establishing the foundation for today’s American economy) at a Whig party gala, because he was hammered and trying to impress this one hottay from Boston, who was “all over that banking s***.”
47. Deion Sanders holds the NFL single-season record for how much a person can like Deion Sanders.
46. If you took all the blood vessels in the human body and stretched them out, it would be disgusting.
45. The character of Simba in the Lion King was based loosely on Walt Disney himself, who incidentally was not a lion.
44. If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is there to hear it, nobody cares.
43. At the end of their life, the average American has 45 pounds of Cheerios in their esophagus.
42. Santa Claus does exist. He works at Wal-Mart in the back and they pay him with chocolate.
41. Neither Yanni, nor Michael Bolton believes the other exists.
40. Clowns used to be funny; now they go around scaring the crap out of people.
39. The Big Mac was invented in 1958 by Ray A. Kroc in Peoria, IL. He had the idea in the stockroom of his flagship store, during a guilt-ridden orgasm.
38. “Billy” is the single most common name in India.
37. By the age of five, Louie Armstrong had collected more than 60,000 different types of rocks. And he ate live animals.
36. Most pigs don’t know about hot dogs; but they have been made aware of bacon, and they’re generally cool with it.
35. The Sesame Street character Big Bird is actually played by a huge, yellow, anthropomorphic, sentient bird-creature of unknown origin, who is capable of speech, compassion, and problem-solving. So naturally, parents allow their children to spend time alone with him on a city street. Unbelievable.
34. Trees were started as a joke by a Korean farmer in the early 1920’s and now they grow all over the world. Looks like the tables have turned, eh Korea?
33. There have been more deaths in the state of Wyoming since 1970 than everywhere else in the world combined, since the beginning of time.
32. Horse hooves are actually made from Jell-o.
31. In Poland, they call Chicken McNuggets “Death Bits.”
30. Elmer’s glue is made from tadpole semen.
29. If you dance with wolves, there is a 78% chance that you will be eaten by wolves.
28. Studies of the brainwaves of ostriches show they are most often thinking about what to wear to school the next day.
27. Between 1967 and 1989, Rand McNally mistakenly omitted the Pacific Ocean from every edition of their World Map. Consequently, thousands of Californians drowned trying to walk to Japan.
26. Argentina’s number-one export is after-dinner mints.
25. You can successfully furnish a stylish, modern living room without being gay.
24. Throwing stars are the third leading cause of death in Japan.
23. One in five squirrels ends up lodged in the food trap of your dishwasher.
22. There is a silent “w” in every word in the English language.
21. Ironically, if you pour cough syrup into your lungs, your cough will actually get worse.
20. The idea of “being a good sport” was started by a group of Catholic school baseball coaches in the 1950’s as something to do if you want to be a total pussy.
19. George Washington was an avid quilter. Martha Washington was a man.
18. When cornered, a female rabbit will pull out a switchblade, do a stylized fight-dance, and sing about sharks. Or that’s Chino from West Side Story.
17. The main ingredient in Dr. Pepper is fizzums.
16. One in four doctors doesn’t actually care whether or not you’ve been exercising.
15. On a good day, a full-grown, active, red-breasted robin can excrete up to 40,000 pounds of birdseed, five cocker spaniels, four books of postage stamps, thirty-seven Samurai swords, my tool box, two miles of telephone cable, and nine identical full-grown, active, red-breasted robins. And some bird crap too.
14. When Bill Gates died, the medical examiner found 18 gallons of pure granulated sugar in his colon.
13. For most of his life, Winston Churchill battled a crippling fear of silverware.
12. Einstein got the idea for his Theory of Relativity while reading a pornographic novel in a sleeping bag in a Munich basement.
11. Due to safety restrictions, there is no pasta allowed aboard Spanish naval vessels.
10. The first monkey astronaut, a rhesus monkey named Albert, whose Soviet-funded, sub-orbital flight made history on June 11, 1948, was reported to be receiving disability pay from a United States post office in Spokane, WA as recently as May of 2001.
9. No one has ever actually been to Seaford, Delaware.
8. The average New Yorker unknowingly swallows four gallons of laundry detergent every day.
7. One in eight grasshoppers is self-aware and capable of understanding basic irony.
6. Ancient Phoenicians believed that accidentally ingesting sand really sucked.
5. Thomas Jefferson invented 2% milk in a Philadelphia tavern in 1799.
4. Fourteen percent of all Samoans are born in canoes.
3. The brain is the wettest organ in the body.
2. The Waputi tribes of eastern Madagascar are the only living peoples capable of starting a campfire underwater.
1. There are more lollipops than Band-aids in 95% of American hospitals.